My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
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It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather