Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
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If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*