To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
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i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit