Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
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Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.