I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
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6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.