So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
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Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
damn he’s good
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.