If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house