My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
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I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.