You had me at “define legal”.
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An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot