“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
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I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.