Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
You Might Also Like
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Single and childfree like Jesus
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.