I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
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The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
When someone trying to leave me
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
How long do you have to wait between naps?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.