Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
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My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
😂😂
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.