My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
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Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”