I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
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Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die