I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
You Might Also Like
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
That took me a moment.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
yea so i messed up lol
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Dear Lord..
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M