you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
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Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”