been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
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I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
step 6: release the wall snake
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Did I do this right