Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
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I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Oh deer
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.