My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
ready to be harvested
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Monday