this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
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i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.