Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
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Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?