[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
You Might Also Like
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.