Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
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“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question