Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.