Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
You Might Also Like
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know