Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent