My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
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When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool