Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
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“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
What the hell happened here.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.