when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
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[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
britain’s three elite institutions
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn