i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
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*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Realize this:
#Caturday
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.