[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
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You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.