Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.