I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
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Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.