i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
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I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Hey i am sexy to you now
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die