Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
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Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
True?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking