Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
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What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name