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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
me when i see my girls butt
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.