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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
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GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.