My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo