Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
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If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My dog ate my work from home.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded: