No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
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While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’