Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
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this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on