Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
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What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
finally found a reasonable question
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…