Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
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I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.