Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
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When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Love this guy
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”