Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
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Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Meow
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.