We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
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They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad