Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
You Might Also Like
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Life cycle of cat
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?