(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
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I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
get you a girl who
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around